Nonprofit AF

Last week, someone told me I should go into stand-up comedy. I started working on some jokes. Here is the first batch. Try them out at your next cocktail party or annual dinner and you should have people rolling on the floor.

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An Executive Director walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” The Executive Director says, “My organization is facing financial crisis due to the economy and funders’ shifting priorities. We may have to lay off some staff and close several programs, leaving thousands of low-income clients without service.”

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Knock knock.

Who’s there?

The annual fundraising event!!!!!

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How many board members does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Eight! One to change the light bulb, and seven to distract the founder!

(Original answer: It really depends on the composition and skillset of the particular board. If there is an electrician on the board, for example, then it may only require one board member. However, if there’s a founder on the board, he might insist that the old bulb is perfectly good and there is no need to change it, so another board member may be required to create a diversion.)

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What did the ED say to the PO? IOU N LOI

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An Executive Director, a Development Director, and a board chair were adrift on a raft after their ship sank. The board chair looked at the ED and said, “This is all your fault. You were steering the boat!” The ED looked at the DD and said, “No, it’s all the DD’s fault. She was in charge of the sails.” The DD said, “It’s both your fault. You were steering the boat, but you were charting the course.” All three were devoured by sharks. It was the worst board/staff retreat ever and the organization never used that teambuilding company again.

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What did the Executive Director say to the Finance Director at the organization’s annual holiday party? “It’s the end of the calendar year, please prepare to close our books so we can do the financial reports, mail out W-2’s to our staff, and send 1099’s to contractors.”

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What do you get when you cross a Program Director, a Volunteer Manager, and a Janitor? Answer: A situation that is not too uncommon in most nonprofit organizations.

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A Development Director found a magic lamp. A genie appeared and offered one wish. The DD said, “I wish for one million dollars to support my organization.” Done, said the genie, come to your office tomorrow, and it’ll be there. Next day, she came to the office, and when she opened the door, three million binder clips fell out. “What the hell!” she said to the genie, “I asked for one million dollars!” Yes, said the genie, but you didn’t specify that it couldn’t be in-kind…

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All right, I’ll keep writing more jokes until I have enough to take the show on the road. Please post your jokes in the comment section. (Update: See “More classic jokes to tell at parties” for more hilarious nonprofit jokes.)

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