“Raise the chainsaw” and other tips to inject more masculine energy into nonprofit and philanthropy!

Recently, Mark Zuckerberg said that “feminine energy” has been “neutering” companies, and what they need is more masculine energy! He is on to something; society’s focus on woke/feminine values like “equity” and “respect” and “personal hygiene” have turned us all soft and ineffective. Luckily, there has been a recent general resurgence of manliness, seen for example in alpha bros cutting short their long eyelashes because manly men do not have heart-stoppingly dreamy come-hither looks.

With all that in mind, I’ve come up with a list of things we can implement to make our sector more masculine:

1. Replace mission statements with “manifest destiny statements.” Make sure to add words like crush, destroy, obliterate, etc. For instance: “We grind poverty into dust and annihilate systemic injustice!”
2. Start each meeting with an arm-wrestling contest to determine hierarchy of dominance and see who gets to facilitate and who must take notes.
3. Rebrand your organization with more masculine names, taking inspiration from deodorants and sports drinks. For instance, “Alpine Breeze Food Pantry!” and “The Arctic Blast Center for Seniors!”
4. Replace the water cooler with a propane grill. Hydration is for wusses, and nothing is manlier than gathering around a lit-up grill filled with charred and smokey meat.
5. Change all job titles to sound more intimidating. Use military titles and terminologies. For examples: “Director of Tactical Human Resources Deployment,” “Sergeant General of Communications,” “Lieutenant Commander of Revenues Acquisition.”
6. Conduct occasional raids on competing organizations to steal their office supplies.
7. Hire manly men to lead workshops on mansplaining, manspreading, hepeating, speaking in a deep growly voice, and projecting confidence despite mediocrity.
8. Remove all changing tables in men’s bathrooms and put in poker tables.
9. At your events, create bouquets of tools wrapped up with bungee cords as centerpieces. Instead of “Raise the paddle,” have “raise the chainsaw” with donors’ numbers printed on chainsaws.
10. Turn all retreats into “American Ninja Warriors”-inspired competitions where the winner gets to make decisions, such as on the strategic plan.
11. Every couple of hours, have “masculinity breaks,” where everyone stands next to one another at a window, looking into the distance, ignoring their emotions, silently brooding.
12. Affinity groups will now be Affinity Fight Clubs.
13. Promote people based on demonstrations of manliness, such as how often they interrupt and talk over their colleagues during meetings.
14. Require everyone of all genders wears pants and a fake mustache (if they don’t have a real one). Also a tie, which doubles as a weapon in case you need to fight off organizations raiding your workplace for office supplies.
15. Have a competition for grants where the organizations with the most resources to write proposals get funding, not those from communities most affected by systemic injustice. Oh, wait…
16. Install a “feminine energy” jar that people have to put a dollar into each time they’re caught being kind, thoughtful, or supportive at work. Use that money to buy masculine things for the office, such as plastic singing basses, meat, and multi-tools.
17. All nonprofits with similar missions will now compete in a Mad Max-style Thunderdome where only one victor emerges. All others will sunset in shame.

I’m going to end here, because 17 is an odd number, and odd numbers are more masculine than even ones. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comment section. Together, we can bring more masculine energy to our sector and punch injustice in the face!

Now, if anyone needs me, I will be shearing down my eyelashes. No one has accused them of being long and luscious, but I can’t be too careful, what with all this woke feminine energy floating around.