Let’s try to be nicer to ourselves and one another while we fight against fascism

Hi everyone, a couple of announcements. First, if you’re in Seattle, please come to the book launch event I’m having on October 14^th from 6pm to 8pm at Centilia Cultural Center. Everyone is so stressed, so I want it to be a fun and community-building event. I already booked a tarot card reader, because why not? Maybe I can get a massage therapist there too. Please RSVP here. Bring reusable containers for the inevitable leftover food. (An online launch event will happen at some point too for folks who can’t attend the in-person one).

Second, this site and its email notifications system will be hosted by Ghost starting next week, so the site will look different (and cooler!) Keeping my fingers crossed that it will be smooth sailing. Thank you to the colleagues who recommended Ghost, and to Patreon supporters for covering the increased monthly costs associated with this new and hopefully better system.

This is a good segue to this week’s topic. A few months ago, I announced I would be transitioning this site to Substack, since WordPress has been horrible, often partially sending to my email list of subscribers, or never sending any email notifications to anyone at all. I got lots of feedback discouraging me from using Substack, as it has been platforming neo-Nazis. That was very helpful information that I hadn’t known, and once I knew about it, I did some research and decided to use Ghost instead.

A few colleagues though were like “Argh! How could you use Substack?! Have you no shame?! I am disappointed in you! I can’t believe I have followed you for a decade only to be betrayed like this! May your fields be fallow! May your great-grandchildren be cursed with receding hairlines! May your wifi always glitch during your favorite shows and movies forever!”  

All over the internet, I’m finding people snapping at one another, sometimes over the mildest things. We’re supposed to be on the same side! I honestly can’t blame anyone. I find myself also very snappy lately, including at my kids. Last week they were goofing around and caused us to be late for school, and all my patience and coaching skills went out the window, and I ended up yelling at them. They were quiet in the car and looked crestfallen when I sent them off, the usual feisty lights in their eyes gone.  

All of us are on edge as we try to navigate this rapid collapse of democracy and the US’s slide into a totalitarian regime. I don’t recall a time, even during the early years of the pandemic, when there was this much constant and relentless stress and fear. The resulting anxiety, anger, and other negative emotions get misdirected to ourselves and the people closest to us, often without our being conscious of it. This is a tactic and goal of fascism, as a populace that is constantly on edge and emotionally dysregulated is easier to control.

We’re in for a long fight, so let’s agree to try and be nicer to ourselves and one another, and save our anger and frustrations for those with power and privilege who are enabling the shitstorm we’re dealing with. Here are some tips, mostly for me; please take what’s useful, and add your suggestions in the comment section:

Remember that everyone is going through things we may not see: Besides the political awfulness, it seems everyone is also enduring all sorts of other challenges. I know so many colleagues who have been laid off, or their consulting work has been on the decline. People are also facing health issues, trying to take care of aging parents, going through divorces, addiction, depression, among other things. Marginalized people have it even worse. Let’s give one another a break.

Be aware of your emotions: The constant fight-or-flight state we’re in means we often operate automatically, including doing things we may later regret, like writing a snarky comment or yelling at our kids for throwing balled-up socks at one another instead of putting on their shoes. I’m trying to be more intentional about naming my emotions. Not just silently, but sometimes openly. Naming emotions helps keep them in check. “I’m feeling frustrated and overwhelmed right now, with a hankering for dark chocolate.”

Try to be strategically detached: I don’t like to use the words “don’t take things personally,” because really, it’s impossible to not take things personally at some level. So I’m calling it “strategic detachment.” When I get stood up, yelled at, called a sheep in the comment section, or whatever, I try to remind myself that people are fighting battles I might not be aware of, eat some dark chocolate, and try not to let it affect me too much.

Apologize when you’re wrong: A genuine apology not only fixes problems but often strengthens relationships. After snapping at the kids, I texted them individually to say I was sorry for being grumpy and yelling at them, and that I would try to be more thoughtful in the future. We’re all going to make mistakes; let’s get into the habit of saying sorry when we hurt people.  

Check in on people: A good remedy and prevention for being snappy is to check in on people. It instantly switches our brains into caring mode. I try to check in on one friend a day. It’s usually as simple as a text message, often with a funny meme, or, if I’ve known you for over 30 years, a phone call. Let’s do that for one another more often.

Cut down on the news and online engagement: I find myself more anxious and angrier each time I read the news. And a lot of social media is just rage bait now, designed to make us mad. So I’m trying to only engage enough to stay informed and take useful actions, which means limiting news consumption to certain amounts of time during the day. It’s better to check in on friends and do other joyful and community-building activities.

Be intentional about spending time with people: It’s tempting to hole up in our own spaces and not deal with the world, especially when it’s often so ugly, especially online. But it’s vital right now that we connect to one another. Since people may be experiencing economic hardships, things like walks, picnics, movies at home, etc, can be cheap and fun.

Engage with arts, music, theater, fiction: There are tons of nonfiction books (including mine), with lots of useful information. Right now, though, it may be good for us all to go to art galleries, see a play, attend an improv show, go to a musical event, and read poetry and fiction books, as they help our brains fixate on what’s beautiful, good, and possible. (Mask and take other precautions if you can; we’re seeing a surge in Covid) I just saw Suffs, a musical about the women’s suffrage movement, and it did wonders. For three days after, I didn’t yell at anyone!

Have grace for ourselves: This is a piece of advice we hear a lot but often don’t follow. Let’s have empathy, kindness, and compassion for ourselves as we navigate these horrific times, as it it helps increase our capacity to do the same for others. (I woke up this morning and realized I had forgotten to turn on the commenting feature, so no one was able to comment on this blog post. I was kicking myself until I remembered this advice… and ate some dark chocolate.)

Add your suggestions below on how we can stop our stress, fear, and anger from being used against ourselves and others. Fascism is trying, and succeeding, at making us feel awful and lash out at others. Let’s be nicer to ourselves and one another, build community, and keep in mind the future we’re fighting for.  

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Vu’s new book will be coming out on October 14th, 2025. Pre-order your copies at Elliott Bay Book Company, Barnes and Nobles, Bookshop, or Amazon. If you’re in the UK, use this version of Bookshop. If you plan to order several copies, use Porchlight for significant bulk discounts.

Net proceeds from the sales of the book from now until end of 2026 will be donated to organizations supporting trans rights, immigrant rights, and/or are fighting fascism.