Nonprofit AF

Can we all just admit there is no such thing as nonprofit sustainability?

Posted on December 8, 2014October 4, 2021 by Vu

A few weeks ago I called up a program officer of a foundation to discuss my organization’s amazing idea to bring more immigrant and refugee leaders into the nonprofit field. “That’s a great idea,” said the program officer, “but what’s your sustainability plan? We don’t tend to support projects unless we know they will be financially independent in the future.”

“Well,” I said, “I have a great plan for that. Have you heard of teeth tattoo? No? You will! Dental adornment is going to be the latest thing, believe you me. Think about it: the Seahawks logo on your incisors! We will open a teeth tattoo parlor, and it will generate literally billions of dollars, enough to fund the project forever. But we need seed money. So how about 50K from you all?”

All right, I didn’t say that. I waffled something that sounded intelligent—“We are building up our base of individual donors, establishing relationships with local businesses, and using the Synergistic Paradigm Action Matrix in order to find the nexus between our strategies and adaptive advantage”—like a good grantseeker is trained to do. We talked some more. Then I hung up and unwrapped a bar of dark chocolate and ate it, both me and the chocolate 72% bitter.

Continue reading “Can we all just admit there is no such thing as nonprofit sustainability?”

Dear business community, stop thinking you are better than us nonprofit folks

Posted on November 10, 2014November 18, 2014 by Vu

My friends from the business community. I love you guys. Without you, the world wouldn’t have smart phones. And 70% dark chocolate. And airplanes. And a bunch of medicines and technology that save lives. And clothing. And running water inside our houses. And these giant flat-panel TVs that display all my favorite shows from Netflix. And kitchen gadgets like the Veggetti; it slices zucchinis and carrots into long strands and is really fun to use, despite the slightly dirty sounding name. Ooh, and restaurants serving organic kale salads with little toasted pumpkin seeds. Businesses are awesome, and I am genuinely grateful what you all do for the world. We nonprofits love you all. So I want to make sure you know this letter is from a place of appreciation and fraternity.

But seriously, many of you need to check your superiority complex. It’s annoying as hell.

Continue reading “Dear business community, stop thinking you are better than us nonprofit folks”

6 terrifying tales from Nonprofit With Balls’s scary story contest

Posted on October 31, 2014October 31, 2014 by Vu

Happy Halloween, everyone. I hope you are going to a party tonight. If you don’t have a costume, just remember: As a nonprofit professional, you are automatically a unicorn (see “Nonprofit professionals, you are each a unicorn“).

Thank you to all the NWB readers who submitted entries to NWB’s first-ever Scary Nonprofit Story contest. We received all sorts of tales, about creepy consultants, revenge by volunteers who emailed an org and never got a response, a never-ending festival from hell and the horrible director behind it all, a literal strategic planning nightmare, an org overly depending on volunteer staff, technology that go horribly awry/annoying, a Nonprofit Zone where things seem all right but are not, clueless board members who dismiss every single new idea, and a Frankensteined-together Collective Impact model forced to dance forever.

I just want to say how much the two other judges (a Development Director and a Deputy Director) and I enjoyed these stories. They are hilarious and terrifying. There are many talented writers in our field. It was a very difficult decision, since so many stories were so good. We each independently scored the entries on Creativity, Nonprofit Scariness, and Humor; and the scores were aggregated. If you entered and didn’t win, please don’t be discouraged. The scores are as arbitrary and subjective as…I dunno, most grant awards. Gather you team; I dare you to read these terrifying tales in the darkness of your conference room… Continue reading “6 terrifying tales from Nonprofit With Balls’s scary story contest”

What the NFL would look like if it were an actual nonprofit

Posted on October 27, 2014October 28, 2014 by Vu

foam finger All right everyone, I hope you are all sitting down for this, because I am filled with mild outrage at the National Football League. But first, go Seahawks! Dudes, sweet touchdown at the last minute to beat the Panthers! We all needed that. We’ve been worried about you guys. Welcome back!

But back to the outrage. Apparently, the NFL has for decades been considered a trade association, kind of like a chamber of commerce, and is granted 501c6 status, which makes it a nonprofit. That’s right, the NFL is a nonprofit! Sure, it makes over $10 billion a year and pays its commissioner, Roger Goodell, $44 million in salary last year. But with the 501c6 status, which it gained through some political voodoo in 1966 when it merged with the American Football League, the NFL is tax-exempt.

Now, before you too get upset and punch your cubicle wall with your carpal-tunnel-afflicted hand, here are some facts to consider. First, even though the NFL is considered a nonprofit, its members (the 32 football teams like the Seahawks) are not, so the revenues they make through licensing and swag and stuff are taxed. Second, the NFL often operates at a loss, which you can clearly see on their 990. Heck, in 2012 they were $304 million in the red. You can’t tax a net loss. Removing their tax-exempt status would only recover about $10 million per year in funds, which is still a lot, but not nearly as much as we were all hoping.

What is mainly annoying me, however, is the fact that the NFL is considered legally a nonprofit. This is ridiculous. That’s like saying that a donkey is a bunny. Or that a hat is a door. Or that a Hershey’s bar is actually chocolate (it is chocolate-flavored sugar). It is insulting to all of us who proudly wear the title “Nonprofit.” Do I go around telling people that I am a dentist? Of course not! Especially not after the last tooth extraction I did on a colleague who didn’t have dental insurance; it did not go as well as Youtube suggested it would. Continue reading “What the NFL would look like if it were an actual nonprofit”

Three nonprofit ghost stories to send chills up your spine

Posted on October 20, 2014October 26, 2017 by Vu

As Halloween approaches, we’ll continue to tell scary stories. Last week’s tale about a special event filled with hipsters was enough to induce nightmares in many of us for months. However, if it failed to scare you, here are three stories guaranteed to make the hairs on the back of your neck to stand on ends. Do not read these by yourself at the office late at night: Continue reading “Three nonprofit ghost stories to send chills up your spine”