Nonprofit Cocktail Recipes

cocktail-1058237_960_720A while ago I wrote about self-care, and how we should all try to find time to do the things that make us happy. For me, one of those things is mixing drinks. It makes me happy to discover or invent new cocktails. Here are several that are inspired by people and concepts in nonprofit work. I also asked friends on NWB’s Facebook page to send in their own recipes, and those are listed at the end. Please submit your own inspired creations in the comment section.

The Executive Director

1 oz vodka

2 oz grapefruit juice

2 oz passionfruit juice

1 more oz vodka

Another oz vodka

Put ice into glass or mug. Pour everything else in and stir. Garnish with more vodka. Drink at either 9am or 9pm at the office. Strong, and slightly bitter.

 

The Retreat

1½ oz coffee liqueur

1½ oz brandy

1 oz nighttime cold and flu medicine

2 Tylenol Extra Strength tablet

Pour coffee liqueur, brandy, and cold and flu medicine into glass without ice. Drop in Tylenol tablets. Drink the cocktail slowly while discreetly checking emails on your smartphone.

The LOI

1/6 oz dry gin

1/6 oz Kirsch

1/6 oz orange Curaçao

1/6 oz dry vermouth

1/6 oz sweet vermouth

Strip of lemon peel.

Mix all ingredients together with ice and strain into a shot glass. Garnish with lemon peel strip. Give it to someone. If they like it, make them another, but instead of using 1/6 oz for each ingredient, use 1 full oz, but change orange Curaçao to blue Curaçao and Kirsch into blackberry brandy.

 

The Strategic Plan

½ oz blue Curaçao

1 tsp raspberry syrup

¼ oz maraschino liqueur

¼ oz yellow Chartreuse

¼ oz Cointreau

Chill everything for several hours, including a shot glass. Slowly and carefully pour the liqueurs in the order listed over the back of a teaspoon into shotglass. Do not stir. When done correctly, you will have a colorful, multi-layered drink that is not only delicious, but beautiful to look at. Do not drink it. Show it to everyone, then put it in the fridge and then throw it out after a year or two. 

The Annual Event

1 piece edible gold leaf

2 oz Cinzano extra dry vermouth

½ oz framboise

½ oz black Sambuca

½ oz pureed sardines

rose petal, lime wedge, lemon peel twist, raspberry, pineapple piece, candied hibiscus, black truffle shaving, cape gooseberry

Put gold leaf into glass. Shake Cinzano, framboise, and Sambuca with ice and pour into glass. Float pureed sardines on top. Garnish with rose petal, lime wedge, lemon peel twist, raspberry, pineapple piece, hibiscus, truffle shaving, and cape gooseberry. Drink up, rest for three months, then start gathering ingredients to make another one.

The Earnest Volunteer
Contributed by Krystyna Williamson

1/2 ounce dark rum
Jamaican ginger ale
1/2 tsp lime juice
mint leaves
1 1/2 ounce simple syrup

Muddle the mint in the syrup, add the rest and stir gently. Comes in on fire, heads off in three directions, and never really gets the job done. 

The Corporate Foundation Administrator:

Contributed by J. Eric Smith

2 parts Jagermeister
1 part Mayonnaise
1 part Worcestershire Sauce
1 part Cottage Cheese

Mix ingredients, shake vigorously, and drink very, very, VERY slowly, smiling all the while. If you gag or frown, you do not get the grant. Ever.

The College Intern

Contributed by Claire Petersky

1 1/2 oz vodka
3/4 oz peach schnapps
1/2 oz creme de cassis
2 oz orange juice
2 oz cranberry juice
1/4 cup white sugar
Orange slice and maraschino cherry for garnish

Very sweet, has some power – but you don’t want more than two of them.

The Development Director: 

Contributed by Sharonne Navas

1 ½ oz Bailey’s Irish Cream
1 ½ oz Butterscotch Schnapps
¾ oz Goldschlager
1 tbsp 151 Rum
1 dash Cinnamon

Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker and pour into glass. If your Development Director has gotten the organization to fundraising goal by mid-year, you can light this drink on fire. If the Director hasn’t, you can light him/her on fire.* Win-Win!!

The [Certain Grantor]’s Website

Contributed by Claire Petersky

5 cherries

Angostura bitters

Lemonhart 151 rum

3 oz gin

1 bar spoon rosewater

½ oz lime juice

Place cherries in your mixing glass, add sugar. Place equal portions of Angostura bitters and Lemonhart 151 rum into an oil mister/sprayer. Mist the Angostura mixture through a flame. Flame until sugar caramelizes. Fill with ice and add gin, rosewater, and lime juice. Then, because the cocktail has timed out, throw the entire concoction down the disposal. Take a bottle of sriracha and splash a drop in your eye. Beat head against your kitchen countertop. Repeat from the beginning, at least three times.

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(*Note, Nonprofit with Balls does not condone the setting of anyone on fire, even Development Directors who haven’t met outcomes).

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This literally makes my head explode

Hi everyone, I normally post on Mondays, but recently the dictionary people have changed the definition of the word “literally” to also mean “figuratively” since enough people have used it wrong, and thus have literally destroyed the English language. I cannot in good conscience stand back and let this travesty continue without declaring shenanigans. I don’t care what the dictionary idiots say, people are using “literally” wrong, and each time I hear it, for a split second in my head it’s like having to plan an annual event, and we all know how awful that is. Here are some examples of how we nonprofit folks use “literally” wrong:

Example 1: “One of my staff literally hates my guts.”

Wrong! Your staff probably does not specifically hate your intestines. You just mean that your staff hates you with a passion, including and certainly not limited to your digestive system.

Example 2: “It was an awesome fundraising luncheon. Literally everyone in the room donated.”

Wrong! This would only be correct if ALL of the people in the room actually donated, including the serving staff, the AV dude, the children, the clients, the MC, the auctioneer, the volunteers, everyone.

Example 3: “My board is literally making me crazy.”

Most likely wrong! You probably mean that the board is causing you a lot of stress and anxiety. If, because of board members’ actions, you seek counseling and are diagnosed with a severe psychological disorder, then yes, they literally made you crazy, in which case, you may want to stop working in the nonprofit field and do something less stressful like make organic pesto to sell at the farmer’s market or something.

Example 4: “We need a better database. Our donors are literally disappearing.”

Wrong, wrong! Your database is crappy and it’s not recording information accurately or something so it is hard to find certain people. Your donors are not literally disappearing, since teleportation technology has not advanced to that stage yet.

Example 5: “That site visit literally kicked me in the teeth.”

So wrong that I want to literally freeze a banana and beat you with it. A site visit is an event, which is intangible. It cannot physically kick you in the teeth. It has no legs. Program officers, however, are tangible, and most can certainly literally kick you in your teeth. And if that should happen—worst program officer EVER—your organization may have hit the jackpot (just sue the foundation for “dental injuries resulting from excessive force.”)

Every time you feel the urge to use the word “literally” when talking to me, just punch me in the throat, because that will be far less painful (not literally), unless you actually know what you’re saying, for instance “I literally have over 1300 emails in my inbox” or “Parking was so bad that I had to park literally half a mile away.” That’s the beauty of “literally” when it is used right: It helps to separate reality out of all the hyperbole and exaggerations of which all of us are incredibly fond.

How can a word also mean its complete opposite? Where does the madness end? This has been a sad, sad month for those of us who love language and the power of words. Words are important, since our clients rely on many of us to advocate for them and to help them tell their stories. Look, I’m all for slang and I know that language is an evolving thing. But this is not slang. Slang is like “Dude, your afterschool program is so literal!” That would be OK with me. It’s also not an evolution of a word. It is just a bunch of people using a word wrong!

A while ago I wrote a letter to my newborn baby, detailing the lessons I want to pass on to him in case I die early. The very first lesson is:

Never judge anyone for anything ever. Even people who create stupid commercials, like those Subway commercials with the annoying adults with kids’ voices, what the hell were they thinking? Also, people who don’t know how to correctly use ‘literally.’ They say ridiculous things like ‘that meeting literally made my head explode.’ It’s easy to judge them, but try not to, since it doesn’t make you any happier in the long run.”

Well, son, if you’re reading this, I’m making special exceptions so you can judge people who use “literally” wrong. You can also judge the dictionary morons who decided to change the definition of a word just because a lot of people suck at using it. Heck, by the time you’re old enough, who knows what other “evolutions” the language has made. Maybe “principal” can now also mean “principle” since enough people get those mixed up. Heck, why just keep to language. We should also officially change pi to exactly 3.14, since those are the only numbers people remember anyway, screw precise calculations that has led to achievements like space exploration.

I’m going to bed. This is making me sick. Figuratively, but maybe even literally.

Example 6: “This is literally the worst Nonprofit with Balls post you’ve ever written.”

Uh…well, um, your FACE is literally the worst post ever written!