Hey everyone, hope you’re hanging in there. I’ve been watching my favorite movies as a break from the horrors of the real world. Some are very inspiring. Lord of the Rings, for example, has lots of parallels to our world, including an all-consuming evil and band of heroes trying to save the world. Which, of course, makes me think about what if LOTR were set in our sector. Below is the sample script. Let me know what you think.
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SCENE 1: RIVENDELL
GANDALF: Despite our best efforts, Sauron has awoken. We have never faced such a threat. As we speak, his forces of foul orcs and Uruk-hai march across all of Middle Earth, laying waste to the land, bringing terror and destruction, especially to the most vulnerable.
ELROND: We must form a fellowship and journey to cast this Ring of Capitalism into Mt. Doom while the rest prepare for war. That’s the only way to defeat Sauron and his evil.
BOROMIR: One does not simply end capitalism. Even with the finest warriors in the land, the odds do not favor us.
FRODO: Still, we cannot stand still and watch the people we care about get slaughtered. You have my organizing skills.
ARAGORN: And you have my advocacy expertise.
LEGOLAS: You have my grantwriting skills.
GIMLI: And you have my logic model.
ELROND: Excellent. Then let us—
SAM: What about you, Mister Elrond sir? You have all the gold and mithril. Will you contribute them to the fight?
ELROND: We have been giving out 5% of our gold every year for you all to fight evil. If we give out more to fight Sauron, we will deplete our cache and then what happens when Sauron is defeated, where’s the funding to rebuild?
SAM: But Mister Elrond, we won’t be able to defeat Sauron if we don’t have enough resources. He’s burning everything to the ground. There won’t be anything to rebuild!
LEGOLAS: He does have a point…Maybe we should increase the gold we give out, from 5% each year to—
ELROND (raises up one hand): We elves do not meddle in the affairs of the lesser beings of Middle Earth. We watch from a distance, giving out 5% of our riches, and then we go to the West to the Undying Lands, the Land of Perpetuity, where as usual none of this really affects us.
SCENE 2: SAURUMAN’S TOWER.
(Gandalf approaches a tall tower. The gate opens, and Saruman, carrying a staff, walks towards him)
SARUMAN: Late is the hour. What stirs in the heart of Gandalf the Grey-Haired Executive Director?
GANDALF: I seek council from my friend, known for his wisdom and temperance. Sauron’s shadow grows. We must destroy his source of power, the Ring of Capitalism. Will you lend us your aid?
SARUMAN: The constant consumption of the liberals’ edibles has clouded your mind. You do not seriously think a ragtag band of nonprofits could contend with the will of Sauron? There are none that can. I too see your vision, my old friend, but we must be pragmatic. Perhaps capitalism is not something to be feared, but to be wielded wisely. Come, Gandalf, let us join Sauron. Let us not destroy Capitalism but fan its ember so it may warm us all.
GANDALF: It warms only those who exploit others. They care not but for their own comforts, and they would destroy all of Middle Earth to keep their wealth, including elevating into power one who revels in hatred and strife.
SARUMAN: But they in turn, through their philanthropy, trickle-down their blessings upon the less fortunate, do you not see?
GANDALF: It seems that Saruman the Wise is now Saruman the Neoliberal White Moderate!
SARUMAN: I gave you the chance to join me willingly at the side of Sauron, but you have elected the way of pain! Worse—socialism!
(A fierce battle ensues, and Gandalf, caught off-guard, is captured and imprisoned)
SCENE 3: THE STRATEGIC PLANNING SUMMIT
(The fellowship is gathered in a small room. The walls are covered with sticky parchments.)
FRODO: Thank you everyone for attending this meeting to plan how we will defeat Sauron. Now, we have some general directions, but we need to map out logistics. Legolas, please tell us how the conversation with your Elven brethren went.
LEGOLAS: They have decided the threat of Sauron warrants an increase in giving to 6% of their gold and mithril, instead of the usual 5%.
ARAGORN: That is not enough, but that is better than nothing. Let us use it to build an army—
LEGOLAS: The Elven Council decided they don’t want any of the funds to be spent on the wages of soldiers, so you can build an army, if the funds don’t go towards paying the soldiers or providing them with rations or tents or training.
BOROMIR: One does not simply build an army with no resources…
GIMLI: Very well, let us use the mithril to forge the mightiest weapons and armors to send fear into the heart of Sauron and his minions!
LEGOLAS: Uh…You can use only up to 15% of the mithril to make weapons and armor, since The Council considers those things overhead.
SAM: Gee, Mister Legolas, what can we use the funding for?
FARAMIR: I was thinking we could apply for support to conduct a research study for the next three years to find out which among all the communities of Middle Earth are most terrorized by Sauron and his forces, and then we can write a white paper on it.
LEGOLAS: Excellent idea, Faramir! I think the Council would immediately approve that in about nine to twelve months…as long as you don’t mention “Sauron” or “Capitalism,” since that’s too political.
SCENE 4: THE MINES OF MORIA
(The Fellowship is navigating the dangerous Mines of Moria. They are joined by Gandalf, who had escaped from Saruman’s tower)
FRODO: Gandalf, there’s someone or…something…following us…I can feel its presence.
GANDALF: That would be Gollum. He is a fundraising expert who has been teaching people traditional fundraising tactics centering the emotions and whims of donors, not factoring in things like systemic injustice that allow a few to hoard so much wealth and then get to dictate what causes society should work on. He needs not our fear, but rather our pity.
GOLLUM (in the distance): Why do they hates the old ways of fundraising, Precious? The old ways works! They raises money, Precious!! They keeps us employed!
SCENE 5: THE LADY OF THE WOODS
(The Fellows reach Lothlórien Lembas, where they meet Galadriel, Director of Corporate Social Responsibility)
GALADRIEL: You have come far, Frodo and the Fellowship—Oh hello Arwen! What a wonderful surprise to see you here!
ARWEN: I’m here to make sure this quest passes the Bechdel-Wallace Test
GALADRIEL: Excellent. But before I commit to sponsoring the quest, what is the Fellowship’s long-term sustainability plan? Surely you can’t just keep relying on grants and donations from us elves forever?
FRODO: We don’t want to be sustainable. We just want to destroy the Ring of Capitalism and Sauron and then go back home.
GALADRIEL: That is noble indeed. How will you recognize Lothlórien Lembas in your marketing and communications?
SAM: Miss Galadriel, can we figure that out after we destroy evil?
GALADRIEL: You are passionate, Dear Sam, but passion alone will not secure my company’s support. You need provisions for your quest. Which we would provide if you consider a partnership where we send 300 Lothlórien Lembas employees to volunteer with you all on our annual day of service? They have no battle skills, but perhaps they can paint a mural to brighten up Mordor?
FRODO:…
GALADRIEL: Think about it! Meanwhile, I give you all the Light of Eärendil the Even Star. It’s been branded with our company logo. May it guide your way. And remember (she starts singing) 🎶 When you’re on a quest, and you’re almost dead, just take a quick bite of…(points to Frodo)
FRODO (reluctantly sings): 🎵Lothlórien Lembas bread…
SCENE 17: MOUNT DOOM
(Frodo and Sam, battered and beaten, stand at the edge of the chasm within Mount Doom. The fiery lava glows below)
SAM: Mister Frodo, throw the ring!
FRODO (staring at the Ring): But Sam…what if we keep it? What if I use its power to become a billionaire. Think of all the good I can do!
SAM: No…No Mister Frodo…Please. Don’t say that. Billionaires shouldn’t exist. It’s unethical for anyone to be a billionaire. Don’t you see, it’s what Capitalism wants. That’s what’s allowed for the rise of Sauron and his minions. Throw the Ring in so we can go home to the Shire.
(Gollum appears out of nowhere)
GOLLUM: We needs the Ring, Precious! If you destroys Capitalism, we won’t have jobs raising money to fights injustice!
(He wrestles with Frodo, biting off Frodo’s finger, then stumbles and falls into the lava. Sauron’s tower crumbles and his armies scatter. Frodo and Sam are about to accept death as their fate when giant Eagles swoop down.)
SAM: What the @#$%?! We could have just been brought here by giant Eagles the whole time?!
FRODO: Sam, remind me tomorrow to write handwritten thank-you notes to everyone who helped us on our quest.
SAM: But Mister Frodo, it is we and our friends who saved Middle Earth! We nearly died! You lost a finger!
FRODO: I know Sam, I know. Please pass the Lembas bread.
